A few days ago I read the story of Peter walking out to Jesus on the water.
“Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. ‘A ghost!’ they said, crying out in terror. But Jesus was quick to comfort them. ‘Courage, it’s me. Don’t be afraid.’ Peter, suddenly bold, said, ‘Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water.’ He said, ‘Come ahead.’ Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, ‘Master, save me!’ Jesus didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, ‘Faint-heart, what got into you?’ The two of them climbed into the boat and the wind died down.” (Mat 14:24-32 The Message)
All the disciples were scared when they saw Jesus walking on the stormy water. That seems pretty normal. Being afraid is not a bad thing. We all feel afraid in life, and that’s OK.
Peter must have been so scared as he contemplated climbing out of that boat, but he wanted to be where Jesus was. He wanted to do what Jesus did. And I have to think that there must have been one crazy moment where his trust outweighed his fear and he stretched his leg over the side of the boat and rested his foot on the choppy waves.
So then there’s Peter, doing this great, brave thing and all of a sudden it’s like he realizes what he’s gotten himself into. I can almost hear him thinking, “Oh man. What am I doing?!” He gets frightened all over again, starts to sink, and calls out to Jesus.
I think this is my favorite part. “Jesus didn’t hesitate”. Jesus wasn’t upset at Peter for being afraid. He didn’t take the time to give him a, “Well, this is what I figured you do” kind of look. He doesn’t pause to drive some kind of message home. He simply reaches down, pulls Peter up, and leads him back to a place where Peter feels safe.
I think Jesus was pleased with Peter for getting out of the boat. Period.
I’m learning that being afraid is OK. (In the healthy, non anxiety-driven-panic-attack sort of way.) God uses frightened people all the time: Moses, Gideon, Mary…Me.
I was so afraid to say “yes” to adopting Sensi, an older child with special needs who doesn’t speak, may never speak, may never lead a typical life. But then I had one of those moments, like Peter, that one crazy moment where my trust in God outweighed my greatest doubts and fears, and I whispered in the starlight on more than one thoughtful evening, “I want what You want”.
And I stepped out of the boat.
God knows I’ve had my sinking moments since then. Even now, in the waiting in between, I am afraid. I’m afraid to be Sensi’s mom. I’m afraid I’ll fail him completely. I’m afraid my marriage will suffer. I’m afraid I’ll lose Claire and Margot. I’m afraid I’ll feel lonely and trapped day after day with a child who can not communicate. I’m afraid I’ll wish we’d never said “yes”.
But always, ALWAYS, just as I feel the waves of fear pulling me under, crashing over me, I feel my Savior grasp my hand, pull me back to the light, and say, “I will never leave you or forsake you”. I hear Him say, “Faint-heart, why would I bring you this far only to leave you now?”
So, will I fail? Will these waves come crashing down upon me? Maybe. But at least I got out of the boat. And Jesus is holding my hand.
lizsprankle 